Jason Voorhees decapitated me and all I got was this lousy t-shirt with blood and guts all over it

Oh Halloween, how do I love thee? Let me count the Tootsy Rolls in my pillow case. I’ve never understood how anyone could have a hate-on for Halloween – parties, dressing up, tiny chocolate bars, razor-blade-in-apple paranoia; what’s not to like?

The other great/yawn inducing thing about Halloween – the release of scary movies or teasers for upcoming ones!

Yawn inducing = “SAW V: This time, it’s REALLY personal; we’re going to vivisect the SHIT out of these people with all these rusty, homemade torture device thingamabobs, and then we’ll have a twist at the end that you’ll probably figure out 10 minutes into the movie…who are we kidding, it’s the same fucking movie as the last four, go see Beverly Hills Chihuahua instead…”

Great = The teaser trailer for THE FRIDAY THE 13^TH REMAKE!!!!!



Oh yes, the franchise that just won’t die after (holy crap!) 28 years, is back and baaaaaadaaaaaasss.

You’re thinking: “What’s the point? They made 11 movies before this one and they were all the same!” Au contraire, mon horror-genre naïve amis. Remember – this is the franchise that took Jason out of Camp Crystal Lake, sent him to New York for some shopping at Barney’s and a few quick executions, THEN sent him to mothafucking SPACE. SPACE, PEOPLE!!! He died, they resurrected him and teamed him up with Freddie Krueger (if you haven’t seen Freddy Vs. Jason, you have live an unfulfilled life) and actually managed to make you feel sorry for the big, bloated, homicidal oaf.

Concerns: It looks like they've made Jason awfully agile. Brotha' spends most of his time rotting in a dingy lake, so it made sense in the original movies that he moved a little slowly. It was also much scarier because you were left wondering how the hell he managed to catch up with his victims who were clearly sprinting - you know, the whole element of surprise deal. But check him out now in 2008, all wielding that machete like he's freaking Aragorn from Lord of the Rings. Another concern - Michael Bay (I've never quite gotten over the insanity of Bad Boys 2). One more - the director of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. Jason isn't Leatherface - who is all about the skin masks and the chainsaw maimings and the cannibalism. Jason's a slice, dice and get out of there kind of guy, so I hope they're not going to do the "twice the gore, half the scares" thing they've been doing with recent slasher remakes.

Eeeereeegahhdless - I'll still be there on opening night with the other slasher movie nerds. Join me and I may just share my vodka-spiked soda with you.

I'm not Barack Obama, but I approve this message

Mini Post: Actually Funny SNL Skits

2007 Douchebag Awards

Letter to my Sister

Whitney Houston

If anyone finds the video for the skit in the photo above (Donald Trump's House of Wings), please let me know! For some reason NBC likes to bury the REALLY funny stuff and this one has been sucked into some sort of comedy vortex, probably created by Jay Leno.

CONAN 2010!!!

Living Harpo

Robyn Okrant is spending one year doing everything that Oprah tells her to. For serious. Robyn's blog entitled Living Oprah chronicles her daily life following the "Gospel of O". Oprah says: "go buy an XM radio!", Robyn buys one. Oprah says: "clip coupons!", Robyn clips away. Oprah says: "act like a deranged asshole when someone gives you something for free!!!", Robyn better be ready to fake a seizure when someone from the office bakes cookies.

Let me tell you something, if you really want to be "Living Oprah" for a year, spend every day ignoring your significant other, calling out child molesters, interviewing John Travolta and walking around the city, hands flailing about above your head while screaming: "EVERYBODY GETS A BRAND NEW CAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!" THAT is the essence of Living Oprah, my friends.

I'll wait for the DVD

Oh no they did NOT

Oh, PETA. Can a week/month/year go by without you guys making yourselves look like assholes? Didn't think so. The ad above is in relation to the recent murder and subsequent decapitation of a young man named Tim McLean.

What happened aboard that bus is a horrific thing and most normal, sensitive people who's heads aren't up the ass of a baby seal, would want to give the family of this man some respect and not make this situation into something it's not.

Something it's not: A PLATFORM TO PUSH YOUR PERSONAL AGENDA. I have a few vegetarian friends and guess what? NONE OF THEM are PETA supporters. You know why? Because of crap like this. Can the suffering of humans be compared to the suffering of animals? Why not. But don't try and capitalize on such a recent event that this man's family and friends have barely had time to grieve.

Remember kids: Pas d'amis avec la salad.

Current Obsessions

Bouncing to Thunderheist at Hillside


Santogold


Vintage Chanel


Google Reader

Wonkette

Karla's Closet

The Sartorialist

My SIGG

Colbert Nation > Leafs Nation

When it comes to the Toronto Maple Leafs I have "Battered Hockey Fan Syndrome". I'm slapped around every year by their incompetence and general malaise, and yet I still come back for more. Last season I took the major step of going on a 3-month boycott: no watching of games, no looking at highlights, no checking scores (okay, I did check the scores), which was a huge decision considering that the very thought of the Leafs winning the Cup is enough to make my eyes well up with the tears of a thousand Cubs fans. I'm superstitious to the point that when the Boston Red Sox won the World Series after an 86-year drought, I actually thought that the breaking of the Bambino Curse might transfer over to the Leafs. Yes, I'm a maniac, but I blame 20-some-odd years of loyalty to an organization that's been kicking it's fans in the teeth for decades. Call it "Post Traumatic Puck-Not-Going-In-Net Disorder".

My reason for revealing the crazy? Mats Sundin, Captain of the Leafs will (finally) be making his announcement regarding his future on August 1st: Whether to stay in Toronto, go to another team (Habs & Canucks are contenders), or retire from the sport completely. Unlike many in this city, I am not a Mats-hating Leafs fan, which is why I hope that he makes the wise decision of taking the offer from Montreal. Yeah, I said it. The Leafs are a BAD HOCKEY CLUB (but I still love you!! Don't be mad!! Please just win some games!!) and the Habs are a GOOD HOCKEY CLUB, so no matter the years of rivalry, I say go to the organization that has actually made inroads to become a serious Cup contender.

GOD SPEED, GIANT SWEDE!

Beyoncé poured beer on my weave

I've always found the physical "theatrics" of most of the "Diva" crowd (Mariah, Christina, Celine etc.) to be pretty high-larious, but I think these two take the cake:

Feast your eyes on the stage antics of Rihanna and Beyoncé. They are both completely nuts, but I think I pulled a muscle laughing at the Beyoncé video. Enjoy, kiddies!

Video credit: http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/

Dr. Horrible

My love for Joss Whedon knows no bounds (Sunnydale-4-Life, yo), and I couldn't be more geeked-out-giddy about the release of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog! Starring Neil ("let's get some poon tang") Patrick Harris , Nathan Fillion (Serenity & pretty much every J.W. project), and Felicia Day (Buffy), with music by Joss & Jed Whedon.



The musical was available free online for like, a day, but now you have to kneel at the Altar of Jobs and purchase it on iTunes. It's a $3.99 download, not too shabby - but if one wanted to watch most of it for free, one could go to a particular video hosting website and see that most of the songs have been uploaded. I'm just saying.

The View is The Suck

Memo to Elizabeth Hasselbeck: THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL.

New Feature: Oh no they did NOT

Just the other day, my boyfriend and I were having a discussion about the amount of terrible drivers here in Toronto. We came to the conclusion that it seems the more expensive the car, the worse the driver.

Now to only make matters worse, it seems that not only are many luxury car owners giant douchebags, but the people running said luxury car companies are apparently the douchiest douches that ever douched. Please have a gander at BMW's current ad for their "Premium Selection" used cars. I know that like most women, I enjoy the fact that some neanderthal ad exec thinks that once a women has had sex she is officially on the proverbial "used car lot" of life. And using a model that looks like she just got out of 4th period History class? Well that's just the broken cherry on my slutty sundae. Kudos, assclowns.

Comments enabled!

I've been getting some questions re: people not being able to post comments on the blog. I've now enabled the feature and you are free to comment away - after I approve the comment of course, because I don't trust you people to be nice, and I'm the only one who's allowed to be mean. Deal.

I went to Gitmo and they took away my stash

The first video of a prisoner (16-year-old Omar Khadr) being questioned at Guantanamo Bay was released yesterday; and along with it came the requisite “he’s a terrorist, he can rot in hell” and “he’s just a boy, he didn’t know what he was doing” mumbo jumbo. But in the midst of this media ruckus appeared a news story of REAL SUBSTANCE:

Barenaked Ladies Singer Steven Page Arrested On Drug Charges

You’ve read correctly – a member of the entertainment industry has been caught with an illegal substance. This is worse than the time that Snoop Dogg was caught at Bob Hope airport with handguns and a huge bag of weed. Or the time that Nicole Richie got hopped up on Vicodin and drove the wrong way on the freeway. Or that time when Aerosmith was on heroin…for a decade. Or the time when David Crosby was arrested for heroin, pot, cocaine and codeine possession…while he was on bail awaiting another cocaine charge. Or that time when Keith Richards, Charlie Sheen, Robert Downey Jr., Whitney Houston, Lindsay Lohan, Tupac, David Lee Roth, Jerry Garcia, Macauley Culkin, Neil Diamond, Chuck Berry…

New Feature: I Am Going to Hell

Not sure about the other public transit riders out there, but when I’m on the bus/streetcar, I never sit in the seats up front because I think they should be reserved for the disabled & the elderly (and pregnant ladies etc.). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a clearly physically compromised person be forced to stand because the entitled douches at the front are pretending they don't see them. I once had to publicly address an entire Toronto streetcar because an elderly woman (and I mean OLD) had nowhere to sit.

Here's where me going to hell comes in: When the streetcar that I'm on makes a stop, I try to make sure I pay attention to who is getting on, in the case that I need to give up my seat. So I'm sitting there the other day and this woman gets on who is using those forearm crutches that people with permanent disabilities use. So I'm all ready to hop out of my seat, when who gets on right after her? Blind guy. It was like Disability Deathmatch - which of course would be hosted by Jeff Probst and my seat would be the Immunity (Disability?) Idol. Thank jebus that shit didn't have to go to TTC Tribal Council - the lady wanted to stand and the blind guy was offered a seat right away. Now I'm going to hell because I made up a game show about disabled people. Kick ass.

I went from Marcy to Hollywood and back again...

Back once again…

What can I say? I like drinking beer and sitting on patios too much to update the blog as frequently in the summer. We get like, 8 days of consistently hot & sunny weather here, so colour me taking advantage of that. But, I’ve been getting some rather aggressive demands for new posts and I shall deliver!

Upcoming topics:

Public transit confessions

2008 NHL free agent signings

More mixtapes – some mine, some not, all good

Videos, articles & anything else that tickles my easily distracted fancy

Allons-y!

Talkin' 'bout brunettes, not fighter jets...

Killer new video from New Zealand’s fourth most popular guitar-based digi-bongo acapella-rap-funk-comedy folk duo.

A little bit of the old ultra-violence

Et justice pour tous

How badly do I want one of those jackets...

Hockey Night in Sparta

Truth be told, March-June is my favourite time of year. The one-two punch of the NCAA playoffs followed by the NHL playoffs really rocks my jock socks. March Madness was killer and the first round of playoff hockey is pretty much kicking ass...UNTIL THIS HAPPENED:



Message to the city of Ottawa: STOP HAVING A HOCKEY TEAM. They're down two games and the best crowd motivator this organization can come up with is a homoerotic tribute to awesome pecs? I'm one of those people who gets embarrassed when I see people in embarrassing situations (I covered my eyes for about 80% of Borat), and wound up having to leave the room part-way through this, peering around the corner every so often to see if it was finally over.

Speaking of embarrassing NHL-related situations: SEAN AVERY. If you watch hockey you've probably seen this clip of Avery's new "screening" method against Martin Brodeur:



Now, there are two schools of thought on this. "Screening" has always been an accepted part of a defenceman's job and some people feel that Avery was doing just that. Others, like Ron McLean, feel that Avery should have been given a game misconduct (suspended for the remainder of the game, monetary fine and 10 minutes of additional penalty time). I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. On the one hand, Sean Avery is a total assclown. On the other hand, he did his job and rattled Brodeur enough to score on him within a minute of that incident. Read this for a more comprehensive view. Because hockey is VERY IMPORTANT.

p.s. Penguins in 4.

I gave her my heart and she gave me a mix tape

DANCE MANIA

http://circusburgers.muxtape.com

Rob Ford: The Legend Continues

I recently received a request for more Toronto municipal politics coverage (yes, you read correctly, who knew?). You may remember Councillor Rob Ford from the bottom of this blog and he's back at the top, baby! Here it is, Councillor Ford's latest and greatest moment. It's as exciting as a Don Cherry "Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em" video, but instead of a reel of awesome Marty Brodeur saves you get a fat white guy going ape-shit. 

Dancing With...Bernard Sumner

Kristy Yamaguchi is dancing the Tango to an Englebert Humperdink-version of "Blue Monday". I swear to god, this show gets more bizarre with every injection of medical-grade silicone into Priscilla Presley's face (who may or may not be Mombi from Return to Oz). I'll upload the lunacy as soon as I can get my paws on it, stay tuned!

Edit: My mistake, they were dancing the "Paso Doble", which is Spanish for "It looks like the Tango". And it's not so much an Englebert Humperdink-version of "Blue Monday", I think it has more of a Robert Goulet flavour.

I gave her my heart and she gave me a mix tape

This will become a regular feature on the blog, it's a ruse to make me seem less lazy when I haven't written a "real" post. 12 songs to blow your freaking mind.

http://circusburgers.muxtape.com/

Scientologists stole my Fresh Prince DVD's

Alright, I'm a million light years behind with my posts so let's get right into it.

If you're a practicing Scientologist, stop reading now because I don't want you fuckers stalking me around the city in your unmarked cube van. I get enough of that from the Degrassi kids.

Scientology: Hoax? Cult? Stupidest reason ever for Isaac Hayes to quit South Park? A resounding yes to all of the above. Scientology has always seemed cookoo bananas, but one movement in particular has shed much unflattering light on Monsieur Hubbard and his band of merry morons. You may have heard the group "Anonymous" declare their assault on the world's most ridiculous tax shelter with a message on YouTube. I bore witness to the most recent of two Anonymous protests that have taken place in my city and let me tell you, these guys are f'ing organized. Not only have they managed to hold synchronized world-wide demonstrations (well almost, yes I know about time zones, douchebags), but when I accepted a flyer from one of the protesters the dude actually took the time to make sure I knew who they were and the reasons for their protest. Plus they wear costumes and I'm a huge sucker for dress-up time (Tickle Trunk, represent!).

I'm not going to bore you with why I think/know that Scientologists are bastard coated bastards with bastard filling. Read up, make up your own mind and for jebus sake, watch some South Park. Because it's funnier than Family Guy. Word.

Aside: Does anyone else think that Scientology's purpose might be akin to the plot of Josie and the Pussycats, where Fiona used subliminal messaging through the Megasound 8000 to convince millions of teenagers that she was cool? How badly would you crap your pants if you found out the whole purpose of Scientology was to try and convince people that Tom Cruise is tall.

New posts a' comin'

Monday will be alllll about Scientology, because who doesn't like reading about those crazy baby eaters? Did I say baby eaters? I meant ALIEN baby eaters.

GALLOWS

GALLOWS
If these guys aren't on your radar within the next week (or now for that matter), WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. This album is so good it makes me want to tell everyone else in rock music to stop making albums because they're embarrassing themselves. You know how Dave Chappelle talks about being scared of the one white guy who's friends with a group of black guys? That's how I feel about the 95-pound ginger guy in a group of white guys. I don't know what goes on in Hertfordshire, UK, but I get the feeling that everyone in that town (including the grannies) have tattoos and wear shit-kicking boots.

8 Reasons to Love Victoria Beckham

I've been singing the praises of Victoria Beckham for years now, much to the chagrin of those who assume she's a robotic bitch (or a bitchy robot). Here are 8 reasons why you should be bowing at those uber-tanned stick-legs.

She's nice: Not since the Daily Show incident of 2001 have I seen this woman pull out the "interview nasty", she is utterly charming in every public appearance she makes. But jesus murphy, as off-base as she was, can we give this woman an award for having the biggest cojones ever for telling Jon Stewart (to his face!!) "You're not funny"???

She's a good mom: Is she ever not with her kids (red carpet events don't count, people!)? She seems to spend most of her time throwing birthday parties for those boys, letting them dress up as Batman in public and taking them to Chuck E. Cheese. Mom of the freaking year.

She can't sing and she knows it: I saw the Spice Girls perform in Toronto last month and one of the best moments of the show was when the girls each performed their solo bits - which for Vicky B involved stomping down the runway of the stage in the most enormous and gaudy of Cavalli gowns, giving a few signature VB pouts and then making her exit. It's as if she was saying: "I know I can't sing, you know I can't sing. Let's not kid ourselves and I'll just spend this time being EXTRA fabulous. MAY-JA'!!!"

She's funny: Did you see "Victoria Beckham: Coming to America"? The woman knows funny. Not to mention that she sat in a room with some of the worst plastic surgery mishaps I have ever seen (and Marla Maples? WTF?), and instead of running for the hills did what any classy broad would do - got drunk with them.

She's been married for 10 years: Most celebrity marriages last as long as...a celebrity marriage. These two have stayed together through "allegations" of an affair (did he? didn't he? I don't want to get sued) AND the craziest kidnapping plot this side of Fargo.

She taught Katie Holmes how to dress: If we're going to be subjected to umpteen pictures of "Super Thetan Numeros Dos", we should be glad that V-Becks drowned her in Chanel. Call it "Dressing for Dianetics".

She looks good ALL THE TIME: Getting off a plane, walking down the street, on the slopes, waiting in line at the DMV - she is always FLAWLESS. You may not like her wardrobe/style choices - too tacky, too short, too tight , too thin, too tan - but there is never a hair out of place nor a wrinkle in the fabric. If I take a 45 minute flight to Ottawa I wind up looking like something out of a Tim Burton movie.

She gets to have sex with David Beckham: Don't front, you know you want to hit that.

Diablo Cody

It's never made much sense to me that Letterman always comes in second to Leno's ratings. He's by far funnier (hello! "Old Guys with Giant Glasses"!), books better musical acts and I'm sorry, that whole "Uma/Oprah" schtick he pulled at the Oscars was fucking funny.

It seems like only yesterday I was watching Dave interview Diablo Cody, an unknown writer who was there promoting her book "Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper". I had never heard of her or her book, but she came across as a great combination of funny/nerdy/raunchy. I had every intention of reading her book, but didn't, because that's how I roll (forgetfully).

Anyhoo. Flash forward to present-day-past and she's all "hamburger phone " this and "doodles being undid" that. I really liked Juno when I saw it in the theatre but after a second viewing it was cringe city. I still think the performances were great - props to Jennifer Garner, who I don't think has been given her well-deserved due for this movie, she took neurotic and sad to a new level. Diablo made another appearance on Letterman after her Oscar nomination and she seemed kinda...lame. Maybe I was jaded because of her whole Stuart Weitzman shoe debacle. News Flash: The Academy Awards are a 4-hour-long Entertainment Tonight segment (complete with Mary Hart's creepy Pennywise smile). Just wear the pretty (free) shoes and shut up. Or maybe I'm just jealous because I have no screenplay to send to anyone and thus, no Oscar gleaming at me from atop my television. *sniff*

Compare and contrast:

Before

After

Aside: There's a line in Juno where she talks about Chinese people and the stuffing of babies into those t-shirt guns they use at sporting events. Last week I had a dream about that very thing - but Chinese people weren't shooting the babies out of the guns - it was Glenn Danzig - and the babies weren't real, they were plastic and being shot into the crowd at some metal festival. RIGHTEOUS.

Toss out your Freedom Fries

Kanyeasy jumped on the "French Robot Express" by sampling Daft Punk and using So Me, famous for his cover art and videos for Ed Banger, to work the same magic for him. Justice have become bonafide rock stars - there are seemingly more pictures of the Ed Banger crew on thecobrasnake than pictures of Steve Aoki sans shirt. Even those who dropped 3rd period French learned all the words to Yelle's "A Cause Des Garcon" and secretly practiced their "Tektonik" moves in their spacious, overpriced "lofts".

Which brings me to the "moitié thugs, moitié nerds " of Parisian hip hop outfit TTC. Their single "Dans Le Club" has a loop that every hip hop producer worth their salt should be envious of and it's been my "get me out of every bad mood I've ever had" song for the past year (even though I've defected to the "San Andreas remix"). Last week, Perez showed their latest track "Travailler" some serious internet-traffic amour and introduced them to an entire world of bored housewives and celebrity gossip addicts. I'm not one to get upset when my favourite artists explode into the mainstream stratosphere, so I'm stoked on seeing and hearing more from Cuizinier et Co.

Love it or hate it, this ain't your grandma's M.C. Solaar.

Let the good times roll with City Councillor Rob Ford

Enjoy this poster of Road House starring Patrick Swayze. Because...why not?

Alright, I'm not sure what the qualifications are to become a Toronto city councillor, but I think I'm going to "speedy delivery" my resume down to City Hall. If you're not familiar with city councillor Rob Ford (Etobicoke North), please allow me to introduce you:

• Has referred to fellow councillor Giorgio Mammoliti as a "Gino Boy"
• 2002 - while protesting the idea of a homeless shelter in Etobicoke, said to a homeless protester: "I'm working. Why don't you get a job?"
• 2006 - was ejected from a Leafs game for disorderly conduct. Claimed that it was a case of mistaken identity, the next day confirmed the allegations
• Argued against the city spending money on AIDS prevention programs, and said ""if you are not doing needles and you are not gay, you wouldn't get AIDS probably, that's bottom line." and "How are women getting it? Maybe they are sleeping with bisexual men."
• 2007 - Opposed city funding to build bycicle lanes on roads saying: "I can't support bike lanes. Roads are built for buses, cars, and trucks. My heart bleeds when someone gets killed, but it's their own fault at the end of the day."

And the fun never stops! Today Councillor Ford came up with this candy coated soundbite:

"You want to see workaholics, those Oriental people work like dogs, they work their hearts out, they are workers non-stop. They sleep beside the machine. I'm telling you that's what makes them such hard workers. Those Oriental people are slowly taking over."

To which Coun. Shelley Carroll responded by quoting Margaret Cho: "carpets are Oriental, people are Asian." She quoted Margaret fucking Cho. I've seen the footage, she even began her retort with "To quote the comedian Margaret Cho...". Someone promote this woman to "City Councillor of Cool". I'm not even mad anymore. God speed, Councillor Carroll.

The winter of your discontent = this blog

First post. The topics covered in this blog may or may not include the following:

• Wanting to be Japanese
  
• My Crystal Light addiction
• My handbag addiction
  
• Bill Cosby and all things Cosby-related
• Being scared/enamoured of my Blythe dolls
• Bands/songs I am currently listening to
• Books I'm reading
  
• Movies (or "films", for the pretentious peeps)
  
• Other people's blogs
• Fashion-related fun-ness
  
• Victoria Beckham
• Actual news not related to the entertainment industry to keep me from hating myself
  

I'm sure this will turn out to be annoying and self serving, but I'm going to do it anyways. B'okay!