Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Your smoothie is an asshole

Sitting on the subway this morning I noticed a sickly sweet, pungent smell coming from the guy beside me. I look over and dude is drinking a Rockstar. At 8:00am. WTF. Energy drinks are fine and all (I used to luuurve the Red Bull, but have seen the error of my ways in the form of vivisection-like stomach pain), but aren't they more of a "perk you up before a night on the party-pants train" kind of thing? Anyhoo, it got me thinking about an article I read on Torontoist right before PRIDE.

Another reason I bring this up is because each and every time I've been to the grocery store in the past month or so, I see people buying those Bolthouse Farm smoothie dealies (made by the same bigots/asswipes who make Rockstar). I don't blame people for buying - the packaging is great, all up in there with the bright colours and tasty looking fruits. I'm sure the smoothie part is good too. I'm just relieved that I read that article before I became a devotee. Now I just have to deal with the constant struggle of not saying anything while "Organic Everything/Tree Tattoo/Teencie Weencie Carbon Footprint Guy" in front of me at the checkout buys, like, 20 of them.

I'm sure I buy many things from many companies that are run by giant meanies. But if I can at least avoid the meanies I'm actually aware of, then I feel a smidgen better about things. *This has become my mantra so that I can still shop at American Apparel and not feel bad about supporting Dov Charney's perv-tastic ways.*

And on that note, excuse me while I finish designing my Wal-Mart in-store beluga whale sanctuary...

Friday, January 9, 2009

Oh no they did not

Search Called Off for New Jersey Baby Lost in Hospital Trash

You know, because it's so easy to mistake a five-pound baby for a crumpled wad of paper towel. I know I do it all the time with my boyfriend's baby niece: "Oh crap, was that the baby I just threw into the compost bin? She looks and feels so similar to that piece of Bounty I just used."

But seriously. SERIOUSLY. I know there must be a ton of medical waste being tossed out during any given day at a hospital; but that kind of negligence is just fuxored. I hope this woman sues and gets the kind of settlement where she'll still be rolling in dough even after paying her lawyer his mondo fee.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Jason Voorhees decapitated me and all I got was this lousy t-shirt with blood and guts all over it

Oh Halloween, how do I love thee? Let me count the Tootsy Rolls in my pillow case. I’ve never understood how anyone could have a hate-on for Halloween – parties, dressing up, tiny chocolate bars, razor-blade-in-apple paranoia; what’s not to like?

The other great/yawn inducing thing about Halloween – the release of scary movies or teasers for upcoming ones!

Yawn inducing = “SAW V: This time, it’s REALLY personal; we’re going to vivisect the SHIT out of these people with all these rusty, homemade torture device thingamabobs, and then we’ll have a twist at the end that you’ll probably figure out 10 minutes into the movie…who are we kidding, it’s the same fucking movie as the last four, go see Beverly Hills Chihuahua instead…”

Great = The teaser trailer for THE FRIDAY THE 13TH REMAKE!!!!!

Oh yes, the franchise that just won’t die after (holy crap!) 28 years, is back and baaaaaadaaaaaasss.

You’re thinking: “What’s the point? They made 11 movies before this one and they were all the same!” Au contraire, mon horror-genre na├»ve amis. Remember – this is the franchise that took Jason out of Camp Crystal Lake, sent him to New York for some shopping at Barney’s and a few quick executions, THEN sent him to mothafucking SPACE. SPACE, PEOPLE!!! He died, they resurrected him and teamed him up with Freddie Krueger (if you haven’t seen Freddy Vs. Jason, you have live an unfulfilled life) and actually managed to make you feel sorry for the big, bloated, homicidal oaf.

Concerns: It looks like they've made Jason awfully agile. Brotha' spends most of his time rotting in a dingy lake, so it made sense in the original movies that he moved a little slowly. It was also much scarier because you were left wondering how the hell he managed to catch up with his victims who were clearly sprinting - you know, the whole element of surprise deal. But check him out now in 2008, all wielding that machete like he's freaking Aragorn from Lord of the Rings. Another concern - Michael Bay (I've never quite gotten over the insanity of Bad Boys 2). One more - the director of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. Jason isn't Leatherface - who is all about the skin masks and the chainsaw maimings and the cannibalism. Jason's a slice, dice and get out of there kind of guy, so I hope they're not going to do the "twice the gore, half the scares" thing they've been doing with recent slasher remakes.

Eeeereeegahhdless - I'll still be there on opening night with the other slasher movie nerds. Join me and I may just share my vodka-spiked soda with you.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I'm not Barack Obama, but I approve this message

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Mini Post: Actually Funny SNL Skits

2007 Douchebag Awards

Letter to my Sister

Whitney Houston

If anyone finds the video for the skit in the photo above (Donald Trump's House of Wings), please let me know! For some reason NBC likes to bury the REALLY funny stuff and this one has been sucked into some sort of comedy vortex, probably created by Jay Leno.

CONAN 2010!!!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Living Harpo

Robyn Okrant is spending one year doing everything that Oprah tells her to. For serious. Robyn's blog entitled Living Oprah chronicles her daily life following the "Gospel of O". Oprah says: "go buy an XM radio!", Robyn buys one. Oprah says: "clip coupons!", Robyn clips away. Oprah says: "act like a deranged asshole when someone gives you something for free!!!", Robyn better be ready to fake a seizure when someone from the office bakes cookies.

Let me tell you something, if you really want to be "Living Oprah" for a year, spend every day ignoring your significant other, calling out child molesters, interviewing John Travolta and walking around the city, hands flailing about above your head while screaming: "EVERYBODY GETS A BRAND NEW CAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!" THAT is the essence of Living Oprah, my friends.

I'll wait for the DVD