Thursday, March 20, 2008

New posts a' comin'


Monday will be alllll about Scientology, because who doesn't like reading about those crazy baby eaters? Did I say baby eaters? I meant ALIEN baby eaters.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

GALLOWS


GALLOWS
If these guys aren't on your radar within the next week (or now for that matter), WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. This album is so good it makes me want to tell everyone else in rock music to stop making albums because they're embarrassing themselves. You know how Dave Chappelle talks about being scared of the one white guy who's friends with a group of black guys? That's how I feel about the 95-pound ginger guy in a group of white guys. I don't know what goes on in Hertfordshire, UK, but I get the feeling that everyone in that town (including the grannies) have tattoos and wear shit-kicking boots.

Friday, March 14, 2008

8 Reasons to Love Victoria Beckham


I've been singing the praises of Victoria Beckham for years now, much to the chagrin of those who assume she's a robotic bitch (or a bitchy robot). Here are 8 reasons why you should be bowing at those uber-tanned stick-legs.

She's nice: Not since the Daily Show incident of 2001 have I seen this woman pull out the "interview nasty", she is utterly charming in every public appearance she makes. But jesus murphy, as off-base as she was, can we give this woman an award for having the biggest cojones ever for telling Jon Stewart (to his face!!) "You're not funny"???

She's a good mom: Is she ever not with her kids (red carpet events don't count, people!)? She seems to spend most of her time throwing birthday parties for those boys, letting them dress up as Batman in public and taking them to Chuck E. Cheese. Mom of the freaking year.

She can't sing and she knows it: I saw the Spice Girls perform in Toronto last month and one of the best moments of the show was when the girls each performed their solo bits - which for Vicky B involved stomping down the runway of the stage in the most enormous and gaudy of Cavalli gowns, giving a few signature VB pouts and then making her exit. It's as if she was saying: "I know I can't sing, you know I can't sing. Let's not kid ourselves and I'll just spend this time being EXTRA fabulous. MAY-JA'!!!"

She's funny: Did you see "Victoria Beckham: Coming to America"? The woman knows funny. Not to mention that she sat in a room with some of the worst plastic surgery mishaps I have ever seen (and Marla Maples? WTF?), and instead of running for the hills did what any classy broad would do - got drunk with them.

She's been married for 10 years: Most celebrity marriages last as long as...a celebrity marriage. These two have stayed together through "allegations" of an affair (did he? didn't he? I don't want to get sued) AND the craziest kidnapping plot this side of Fargo.

She taught Katie Holmes how to dress: If we're going to be subjected to umpteen pictures of "Super Thetan Numeros Dos", we should be glad that V-Becks drowned her in Chanel. Call it "Dressing for Dianetics".

She looks good ALL THE TIME: Getting off a plane, walking down the street, on the slopes, waiting in line at the DMV - she is always FLAWLESS. You may not like her wardrobe/style choices - too tacky, too short, too tight , too thin, too tan - but there is never a hair out of place nor a wrinkle in the fabric. If I take a 45 minute flight to Ottawa I wind up looking like something out of a Tim Burton movie.

She gets to have sex with David Beckham: Don't front, you know you want to hit that.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Diablo Cody


It's never made much sense to me that Letterman always comes in second to Leno's ratings. He's by far funnier (hello! "Old Guys with Giant Glasses"!), books better musical acts and I'm sorry, that whole "Uma/Oprah" schtick he pulled at the Oscars was fucking funny.

It seems like only yesterday I was watching Dave interview Diablo Cody, an unknown writer who was there promoting her book "Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper". I had never heard of her or her book, but she came across as a great combination of funny/nerdy/raunchy. I had every intention of reading her book, but didn't, because that's how I roll (forgetfully).

Anyhoo. Flash forward to present-day-past and she's all "hamburger phone " this and "doodles being undid" that. I really liked Juno when I saw it in the theatre but after a second viewing it was cringe city. I still think the performances were great - props to Jennifer Garner, who I don't think has been given her well-deserved due for this movie, she took neurotic and sad to a new level. Diablo made another appearance on Letterman after her Oscar nomination and she seemed kinda...lame. Maybe I was jaded because of her whole Stuart Weitzman shoe debacle. News Flash: The Academy Awards are a 4-hour-long Entertainment Tonight segment (complete with Mary Hart's creepy Pennywise smile). Just wear the pretty (free) shoes and shut up. Or maybe I'm just jealous because I have no screenplay to send to anyone and thus, no Oscar gleaming at me from atop my television. *sniff*

Compare and contrast:

Before

After

Aside: There's a line in Juno where she talks about Chinese people and the stuffing of babies into those t-shirt guns they use at sporting events. Last week I had a dream about that very thing - but Chinese people weren't shooting the babies out of the guns - it was Glenn Danzig - and the babies weren't real, they were plastic and being shot into the crowd at some metal festival. RIGHTEOUS.

Toss out your Freedom Fries




Kanyeasy jumped on the "French Robot Express" by sampling Daft Punk and using So Me, famous for his cover art and videos for Ed Banger, to work the same magic for him. Justice have become bonafide rock stars - there are seemingly more pictures of the Ed Banger crew on thecobrasnake than pictures of Steve Aoki sans shirt. Even those who dropped 3rd period French learned all the words to Yelle's "A Cause Des Garcon" and secretly practiced their "Tektonik" moves in their spacious, overpriced "lofts".

Which brings me to the "moitiƩ thugs, moitiƩ nerds " of Parisian hip hop outfit TTC. Their single "Dans Le Club" has a loop that every hip hop producer worth their salt should be envious of and it's been my "get me out of every bad mood I've ever had" song for the past year (even though I've defected to the "San Andreas remix"). Last week, Perez showed their latest track "Travailler" some serious internet-traffic amour and introduced them to an entire world of bored housewives and celebrity gossip addicts. I'm not one to get upset when my favourite artists explode into the mainstream stratosphere, so I'm stoked on seeing and hearing more from Cuizinier et Co.

Love it or hate it, this ain't your grandma's M.C. Solaar.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Let the good times roll with City Councillor Rob Ford

Enjoy this poster of Road House starring Patrick Swayze. Because...why not?

Alright, I'm not sure what the qualifications are to become a Toronto city councillor, but I think I'm going to "speedy delivery" my resume down to City Hall. If you're not familiar with city councillor Rob Ford (Etobicoke North), please allow me to introduce you:

  • Has referred to fellow councillor Giorgio Mammoliti as a "Gino Boy"
  • 2002 - while protesting the idea of a homeless shelter in Etobicoke, said to a homeless protester: "I'm working. Why don't you get a job?"
  • 2006 - was ejected from a Leafs game for disorderly conduct. Claimed that it was a case of mistaken identity, the next day confirmed the allegations
  • Argued against the city spending money on AIDS prevention programs, and said ""if you are not doing needles and you are not gay, you wouldn't get AIDS probably, that's bottom line." and "How are women getting it? Maybe they are sleeping with bisexual men."
  • 2007 - Opposed city funding to build bycicle lanes on roads saying: "I can't support bike lanes. Roads are built for buses, cars, and trucks. My heart bleeds when someone gets killed, but it's their own fault at the end of the day."
And the fun never stops! Today Councillor Ford came up with this candy coated soundbite:

"You want to see workaholics, those Oriental people work like dogs, they work their hearts out, they are workers non-stop. They sleep beside the machine. I'm telling you that's what makes them such hard workers. Those Oriental people are slowly taking over."
To which Coun. Shelley Carroll responded by quoting Margaret Cho: "carpets are Oriental, people are Asian." She quoted Margaret fucking Cho. I've seen the footage, she even began her retort with "To quote the comedian Margaret Cho...". Someone promote this woman to "City Councillor of Cool". I'm not even mad anymore. God speed, Councillor Carroll.






Monday, March 3, 2008

The winter of your discontent = this blog


First post. The topics covered in this blog may or may not include the following:

  • Wanting to be Japanese
  • My Crystal Light addiction
  • My handbag addiction
  • Bill Cosby and all things Cosby-related
  • Being scared/enamoured of my Blythe dolls
  • Bands/songs I am currently listening to
  • Books I'm reading
  • Movies (or "films", for the pretentious peeps)
  • Other people's blogs
  • Fashion-related fun-ness
  • Victoria Beckham
  • Actual news not related to the entertainment industry to keep me from hating myself
I'm sure this will turn out to be annoying and self serving, but I'm going to do it anyways. B'okay!