Oh no they did not

Search Called Off for New Jersey Baby Lost in Hospital Trash

You know, because it's so easy to mistake a five-pound baby for a crumpled wad of paper towel. I know I do it all the time with my boyfriend's baby niece: "Oh crap, was that the baby I just threw into the compost bin? She looks and feels so similar to that piece of Bounty I just used."

But seriously. SERIOUSLY. I know there must be a ton of medical waste being tossed out during any given day at a hospital; but that kind of negligence is just fuxored. I hope this woman sues and gets the kind of settlement where she'll still be rolling in dough even after paying her lawyer his mondo fee.

Jason Voorhees decapitated me and all I got was this lousy t-shirt with blood and guts all over it

Oh Halloween, how do I love thee? Let me count the Tootsy Rolls in my pillow case. I’ve never understood how anyone could have a hate-on for Halloween – parties, dressing up, tiny chocolate bars, razor-blade-in-apple paranoia; what’s not to like?

The other great/yawn inducing thing about Halloween – the release of scary movies or teasers for upcoming ones!

Yawn inducing = “SAW V: This time, it’s REALLY personal; we’re going to vivisect the SHIT out of these people with all these rusty, homemade torture device thingamabobs, and then we’ll have a twist at the end that you’ll probably figure out 10 minutes into the movie…who are we kidding, it’s the same fucking movie as the last four, go see Beverly Hills Chihuahua instead…”

Great = The teaser trailer for THE FRIDAY THE 13^TH REMAKE!!!!!



Oh yes, the franchise that just won’t die after (holy crap!) 28 years, is back and baaaaaadaaaaaasss.

You’re thinking: “What’s the point? They made 11 movies before this one and they were all the same!” Au contraire, mon horror-genre naïve amis. Remember – this is the franchise that took Jason out of Camp Crystal Lake, sent him to New York for some shopping at Barney’s and a few quick executions, THEN sent him to mothafucking SPACE. SPACE, PEOPLE!!! He died, they resurrected him and teamed him up with Freddie Krueger (if you haven’t seen Freddy Vs. Jason, you have live an unfulfilled life) and actually managed to make you feel sorry for the big, bloated, homicidal oaf.

Concerns: It looks like they've made Jason awfully agile. Brotha' spends most of his time rotting in a dingy lake, so it made sense in the original movies that he moved a little slowly. It was also much scarier because you were left wondering how the hell he managed to catch up with his victims who were clearly sprinting - you know, the whole element of surprise deal. But check him out now in 2008, all wielding that machete like he's freaking Aragorn from Lord of the Rings. Another concern - Michael Bay (I've never quite gotten over the insanity of Bad Boys 2). One more - the director of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. Jason isn't Leatherface - who is all about the skin masks and the chainsaw maimings and the cannibalism. Jason's a slice, dice and get out of there kind of guy, so I hope they're not going to do the "twice the gore, half the scares" thing they've been doing with recent slasher remakes.

Eeeereeegahhdless - I'll still be there on opening night with the other slasher movie nerds. Join me and I may just share my vodka-spiked soda with you.

I'm not Barack Obama, but I approve this message

Mini Post: Actually Funny SNL Skits

2007 Douchebag Awards

Letter to my Sister

Whitney Houston

If anyone finds the video for the skit in the photo above (Donald Trump's House of Wings), please let me know! For some reason NBC likes to bury the REALLY funny stuff and this one has been sucked into some sort of comedy vortex, probably created by Jay Leno.

CONAN 2010!!!

Living Harpo

Robyn Okrant is spending one year doing everything that Oprah tells her to. For serious. Robyn's blog entitled Living Oprah chronicles her daily life following the "Gospel of O". Oprah says: "go buy an XM radio!", Robyn buys one. Oprah says: "clip coupons!", Robyn clips away. Oprah says: "act like a deranged asshole when someone gives you something for free!!!", Robyn better be ready to fake a seizure when someone from the office bakes cookies.

Let me tell you something, if you really want to be "Living Oprah" for a year, spend every day ignoring your significant other, calling out child molesters, interviewing John Travolta and walking around the city, hands flailing about above your head while screaming: "EVERYBODY GETS A BRAND NEW CAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!" THAT is the essence of Living Oprah, my friends.

I'll wait for the DVD

Oh no they did NOT

Oh, PETA. Can a week/month/year go by without you guys making yourselves look like assholes? Didn't think so. The ad above is in relation to the recent murder and subsequent decapitation of a young man named Tim McLean.

What happened aboard that bus is a horrific thing and most normal, sensitive people who's heads aren't up the ass of a baby seal, would want to give the family of this man some respect and not make this situation into something it's not.

Something it's not: A PLATFORM TO PUSH YOUR PERSONAL AGENDA. I have a few vegetarian friends and guess what? NONE OF THEM are PETA supporters. You know why? Because of crap like this. Can the suffering of humans be compared to the suffering of animals? Why not. But don't try and capitalize on such a recent event that this man's family and friends have barely had time to grieve.

Remember kids: Pas d'amis avec la salad.