Jason Voorhees decapitated me and all I got was this lousy t-shirt with blood and guts all over it

Oh Halloween, how do I love thee? Let me count the Tootsy Rolls in my pillow case. I’ve never understood how anyone could have a hate-on for Halloween – parties, dressing up, tiny chocolate bars, razor-blade-in-apple paranoia; what’s not to like?

The other great/yawn inducing thing about Halloween – the release of scary movies or teasers for upcoming ones!

Yawn inducing = “SAW V: This time, it’s REALLY personal; we’re going to vivisect the SHIT out of these people with all these rusty, homemade torture device thingamabobs, and then we’ll have a twist at the end that you’ll probably figure out 10 minutes into the movie…who are we kidding, it’s the same fucking movie as the last four, go see Beverly Hills Chihuahua instead…”

Great = The teaser trailer for THE FRIDAY THE 13^TH REMAKE!!!!!



Oh yes, the franchise that just won’t die after (holy crap!) 28 years, is back and baaaaaadaaaaaasss.

You’re thinking: “What’s the point? They made 11 movies before this one and they were all the same!” Au contraire, mon horror-genre naïve amis. Remember – this is the franchise that took Jason out of Camp Crystal Lake, sent him to New York for some shopping at Barney’s and a few quick executions, THEN sent him to mothafucking SPACE. SPACE, PEOPLE!!! He died, they resurrected him and teamed him up with Freddie Krueger (if you haven’t seen Freddy Vs. Jason, you have live an unfulfilled life) and actually managed to make you feel sorry for the big, bloated, homicidal oaf.

Concerns: It looks like they've made Jason awfully agile. Brotha' spends most of his time rotting in a dingy lake, so it made sense in the original movies that he moved a little slowly. It was also much scarier because you were left wondering how the hell he managed to catch up with his victims who were clearly sprinting - you know, the whole element of surprise deal. But check him out now in 2008, all wielding that machete like he's freaking Aragorn from Lord of the Rings. Another concern - Michael Bay (I've never quite gotten over the insanity of Bad Boys 2). One more - the director of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. Jason isn't Leatherface - who is all about the skin masks and the chainsaw maimings and the cannibalism. Jason's a slice, dice and get out of there kind of guy, so I hope they're not going to do the "twice the gore, half the scares" thing they've been doing with recent slasher remakes.

Eeeereeegahhdless - I'll still be there on opening night with the other slasher movie nerds. Join me and I may just share my vodka-spiked soda with you.