Your smoothie is an asshole

Sitting on the subway this morning I noticed a sickly sweet, pungent smell coming from the guy beside me. I look over and dude is drinking a Rockstar. At 8:00am. WTF. Energy drinks are fine and all (I used to luuurve the Red Bull, but have seen the error of my ways in the form of vivisection-like stomach pain), but aren't they more of a "perk you up before a night on the party-pants train" kind of thing? Anyhoo, it got me thinking about an article I read on Torontoist right before PRIDE.

Another reason I bring this up is because each and every time I've been to the grocery store in the past month or so, I see people buying those Bolthouse Farm smoothie dealies (made by the same bigots/asswipes who make Rockstar). I don't blame people for buying - the packaging is great, all up in there with the bright colours and tasty looking fruits. I'm sure the smoothie part is good too. I'm just relieved that I read that article before I became a devotee. Now I just have to deal with the constant struggle of not saying anything while "Organic Everything/Tree Tattoo/Teencie Weencie Carbon Footprint Guy" in front of me at the checkout buys, like, 20 of them.

I'm sure I buy many things from many companies that are run by giant meanies. But if I can at least avoid the meanies I'm actually aware of, then I feel a smidgen better about things. *This has become my mantra so that I can still shop at American Apparel and not feel bad about supporting Dov Charney's perv-tastic ways.*

And on that note, excuse me while I finish designing my Wal-Mart in-store beluga whale sanctuary...

Oh no they did not

Search Called Off for New Jersey Baby Lost in Hospital Trash

You know, because it's so easy to mistake a five-pound baby for a crumpled wad of paper towel. I know I do it all the time with my boyfriend's baby niece: "Oh crap, was that the baby I just threw into the compost bin? She looks and feels so similar to that piece of Bounty I just used."

But seriously. SERIOUSLY. I know there must be a ton of medical waste being tossed out during any given day at a hospital; but that kind of negligence is just fuxored. I hope this woman sues and gets the kind of settlement where she'll still be rolling in dough even after paying her lawyer his mondo fee.

Jason Voorhees decapitated me and all I got was this lousy t-shirt with blood and guts all over it

Oh Halloween, how do I love thee? Let me count the Tootsy Rolls in my pillow case. I’ve never understood how anyone could have a hate-on for Halloween – parties, dressing up, tiny chocolate bars, razor-blade-in-apple paranoia; what’s not to like?

The other great/yawn inducing thing about Halloween – the release of scary movies or teasers for upcoming ones!

Yawn inducing = “SAW V: This time, it’s REALLY personal; we’re going to vivisect the SHIT out of these people with all these rusty, homemade torture device thingamabobs, and then we’ll have a twist at the end that you’ll probably figure out 10 minutes into the movie…who are we kidding, it’s the same fucking movie as the last four, go see Beverly Hills Chihuahua instead…”

Great = The teaser trailer for THE FRIDAY THE 13^TH REMAKE!!!!!



Oh yes, the franchise that just won’t die after (holy crap!) 28 years, is back and baaaaaadaaaaaasss.

You’re thinking: “What’s the point? They made 11 movies before this one and they were all the same!” Au contraire, mon horror-genre naïve amis. Remember – this is the franchise that took Jason out of Camp Crystal Lake, sent him to New York for some shopping at Barney’s and a few quick executions, THEN sent him to mothafucking SPACE. SPACE, PEOPLE!!! He died, they resurrected him and teamed him up with Freddie Krueger (if you haven’t seen Freddy Vs. Jason, you have live an unfulfilled life) and actually managed to make you feel sorry for the big, bloated, homicidal oaf.

Concerns: It looks like they've made Jason awfully agile. Brotha' spends most of his time rotting in a dingy lake, so it made sense in the original movies that he moved a little slowly. It was also much scarier because you were left wondering how the hell he managed to catch up with his victims who were clearly sprinting - you know, the whole element of surprise deal. But check him out now in 2008, all wielding that machete like he's freaking Aragorn from Lord of the Rings. Another concern - Michael Bay (I've never quite gotten over the insanity of Bad Boys 2). One more - the director of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. Jason isn't Leatherface - who is all about the skin masks and the chainsaw maimings and the cannibalism. Jason's a slice, dice and get out of there kind of guy, so I hope they're not going to do the "twice the gore, half the scares" thing they've been doing with recent slasher remakes.

Eeeereeegahhdless - I'll still be there on opening night with the other slasher movie nerds. Join me and I may just share my vodka-spiked soda with you.

I'm not Barack Obama, but I approve this message

Mini Post: Actually Funny SNL Skits

2007 Douchebag Awards

Letter to my Sister

Whitney Houston

If anyone finds the video for the skit in the photo above (Donald Trump's House of Wings), please let me know! For some reason NBC likes to bury the REALLY funny stuff and this one has been sucked into some sort of comedy vortex, probably created by Jay Leno.

CONAN 2010!!!

Living Harpo

Robyn Okrant is spending one year doing everything that Oprah tells her to. For serious. Robyn's blog entitled Living Oprah chronicles her daily life following the "Gospel of O". Oprah says: "go buy an XM radio!", Robyn buys one. Oprah says: "clip coupons!", Robyn clips away. Oprah says: "act like a deranged asshole when someone gives you something for free!!!", Robyn better be ready to fake a seizure when someone from the office bakes cookies.

Let me tell you something, if you really want to be "Living Oprah" for a year, spend every day ignoring your significant other, calling out child molesters, interviewing John Travolta and walking around the city, hands flailing about above your head while screaming: "EVERYBODY GETS A BRAND NEW CAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!" THAT is the essence of Living Oprah, my friends.

I'll wait for the DVD

Oh no they did NOT

Oh, PETA. Can a week/month/year go by without you guys making yourselves look like assholes? Didn't think so. The ad above is in relation to the recent murder and subsequent decapitation of a young man named Tim McLean.

What happened aboard that bus is a horrific thing and most normal, sensitive people who's heads aren't up the ass of a baby seal, would want to give the family of this man some respect and not make this situation into something it's not.

Something it's not: A PLATFORM TO PUSH YOUR PERSONAL AGENDA. I have a few vegetarian friends and guess what? NONE OF THEM are PETA supporters. You know why? Because of crap like this. Can the suffering of humans be compared to the suffering of animals? Why not. But don't try and capitalize on such a recent event that this man's family and friends have barely had time to grieve.

Remember kids: Pas d'amis avec la salad.

Current Obsessions

Bouncing to Thunderheist at Hillside


Santogold


Vintage Chanel


Google Reader

Wonkette

Karla's Closet

The Sartorialist

My SIGG

Colbert Nation > Leafs Nation

When it comes to the Toronto Maple Leafs I have "Battered Hockey Fan Syndrome". I'm slapped around every year by their incompetence and general malaise, and yet I still come back for more. Last season I took the major step of going on a 3-month boycott: no watching of games, no looking at highlights, no checking scores (okay, I did check the scores), which was a huge decision considering that the very thought of the Leafs winning the Cup is enough to make my eyes well up with the tears of a thousand Cubs fans. I'm superstitious to the point that when the Boston Red Sox won the World Series after an 86-year drought, I actually thought that the breaking of the Bambino Curse might transfer over to the Leafs. Yes, I'm a maniac, but I blame 20-some-odd years of loyalty to an organization that's been kicking it's fans in the teeth for decades. Call it "Post Traumatic Puck-Not-Going-In-Net Disorder".

My reason for revealing the crazy? Mats Sundin, Captain of the Leafs will (finally) be making his announcement regarding his future on August 1st: Whether to stay in Toronto, go to another team (Habs & Canucks are contenders), or retire from the sport completely. Unlike many in this city, I am not a Mats-hating Leafs fan, which is why I hope that he makes the wise decision of taking the offer from Montreal. Yeah, I said it. The Leafs are a BAD HOCKEY CLUB (but I still love you!! Don't be mad!! Please just win some games!!) and the Habs are a GOOD HOCKEY CLUB, so no matter the years of rivalry, I say go to the organization that has actually made inroads to become a serious Cup contender.

GOD SPEED, GIANT SWEDE!

Beyoncé poured beer on my weave

I've always found the physical "theatrics" of most of the "Diva" crowd (Mariah, Christina, Celine etc.) to be pretty high-larious, but I think these two take the cake:

Feast your eyes on the stage antics of Rihanna and Beyoncé. They are both completely nuts, but I think I pulled a muscle laughing at the Beyoncé video. Enjoy, kiddies!

Video credit: http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/

Dr. Horrible

My love for Joss Whedon knows no bounds (Sunnydale-4-Life, yo), and I couldn't be more geeked-out-giddy about the release of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog! Starring Neil ("let's get some poon tang") Patrick Harris , Nathan Fillion (Serenity & pretty much every J.W. project), and Felicia Day (Buffy), with music by Joss & Jed Whedon.



The musical was available free online for like, a day, but now you have to kneel at the Altar of Jobs and purchase it on iTunes. It's a $3.99 download, not too shabby - but if one wanted to watch most of it for free, one could go to a particular video hosting website and see that most of the songs have been uploaded. I'm just saying.

The View is The Suck

Memo to Elizabeth Hasselbeck: THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL.

New Feature: Oh no they did NOT

Just the other day, my boyfriend and I were having a discussion about the amount of terrible drivers here in Toronto. We came to the conclusion that it seems the more expensive the car, the worse the driver.

Now to only make matters worse, it seems that not only are many luxury car owners giant douchebags, but the people running said luxury car companies are apparently the douchiest douches that ever douched. Please have a gander at BMW's current ad for their "Premium Selection" used cars. I know that like most women, I enjoy the fact that some neanderthal ad exec thinks that once a women has had sex she is officially on the proverbial "used car lot" of life. And using a model that looks like she just got out of 4th period History class? Well that's just the broken cherry on my slutty sundae. Kudos, assclowns.

Comments enabled!

I've been getting some questions re: people not being able to post comments on the blog. I've now enabled the feature and you are free to comment away - after I approve the comment of course, because I don't trust you people to be nice, and I'm the only one who's allowed to be mean. Deal.

I went to Gitmo and they took away my stash

The first video of a prisoner (16-year-old Omar Khadr) being questioned at Guantanamo Bay was released yesterday; and along with it came the requisite “he’s a terrorist, he can rot in hell” and “he’s just a boy, he didn’t know what he was doing” mumbo jumbo. But in the midst of this media ruckus appeared a news story of REAL SUBSTANCE:

Barenaked Ladies Singer Steven Page Arrested On Drug Charges

You’ve read correctly – a member of the entertainment industry has been caught with an illegal substance. This is worse than the time that Snoop Dogg was caught at Bob Hope airport with handguns and a huge bag of weed. Or the time that Nicole Richie got hopped up on Vicodin and drove the wrong way on the freeway. Or that time when Aerosmith was on heroin…for a decade. Or the time when David Crosby was arrested for heroin, pot, cocaine and codeine possession…while he was on bail awaiting another cocaine charge. Or that time when Keith Richards, Charlie Sheen, Robert Downey Jr., Whitney Houston, Lindsay Lohan, Tupac, David Lee Roth, Jerry Garcia, Macauley Culkin, Neil Diamond, Chuck Berry…

New Feature: I Am Going to Hell

Not sure about the other public transit riders out there, but when I’m on the bus/streetcar, I never sit in the seats up front because I think they should be reserved for the disabled & the elderly (and pregnant ladies etc.). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a clearly physically compromised person be forced to stand because the entitled douches at the front are pretending they don't see them. I once had to publicly address an entire Toronto streetcar because an elderly woman (and I mean OLD) had nowhere to sit.

Here's where me going to hell comes in: When the streetcar that I'm on makes a stop, I try to make sure I pay attention to who is getting on, in the case that I need to give up my seat. So I'm sitting there the other day and this woman gets on who is using those forearm crutches that people with permanent disabilities use. So I'm all ready to hop out of my seat, when who gets on right after her? Blind guy. It was like Disability Deathmatch - which of course would be hosted by Jeff Probst and my seat would be the Immunity (Disability?) Idol. Thank jebus that shit didn't have to go to TTC Tribal Council - the lady wanted to stand and the blind guy was offered a seat right away. Now I'm going to hell because I made up a game show about disabled people. Kick ass.

I went from Marcy to Hollywood and back again...

Back once again…

What can I say? I like drinking beer and sitting on patios too much to update the blog as frequently in the summer. We get like, 8 days of consistently hot & sunny weather here, so colour me taking advantage of that. But, I’ve been getting some rather aggressive demands for new posts and I shall deliver!

Upcoming topics:

Public transit confessions

2008 NHL free agent signings

More mixtapes – some mine, some not, all good

Videos, articles & anything else that tickles my easily distracted fancy

Allons-y!

Talkin' 'bout brunettes, not fighter jets...

Killer new video from New Zealand’s fourth most popular guitar-based digi-bongo acapella-rap-funk-comedy folk duo.

A little bit of the old ultra-violence

Et justice pour tous

How badly do I want one of those jackets...